omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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