why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
