No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
