First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
