I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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