She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He felt like a one man threesome
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Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
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And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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