so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
