very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
