I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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