just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
