Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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