His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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