I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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