I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
