Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
