It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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