Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The uberlube is also flammable
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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