Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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