my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
