Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
