My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
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Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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