Soap is not a condiment
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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