I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
