i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
