True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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