It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
