I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
