i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
