I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
