while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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