life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
