In the future we'll all be gay
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
