God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My cat gives me a boner
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
