There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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