She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
