I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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