gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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