My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
