btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
