Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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