your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
