If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
