Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
