i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
