I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
