ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
