I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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