Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this boner is exhausting
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
