Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
