Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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