My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
