I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
