Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
