My liver just broke up with me...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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