so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
