i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
